We Are One
(Ode to Australia Day - January 26, 2007 )

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand ), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
 
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
 
We are One Nation but divided into many States.
 
First, there's VICTORIA, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne , whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
 
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney , has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
 
Down south we have TASMANIA, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
 
SOUTH AUSTRALIA is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
 
WESTERN AUSTRALIA is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
 
The NORTHERN TERRITORY is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.
 
And there's QUEENSLAND. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
 
Oh yes, and there's Canberra in the ACT. The less said the better.
 
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing . We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.
 
Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
 
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national Anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
 
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
 
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras, but chain the pens to the desk. Only in Australia do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
 
Only in Australia do hospitals report statistics such as: 58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers; 8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth; 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth; 8 Aussies cracked their skull in 2000 whilst throwing up into the toilet.
 
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you are, we are Australian!
 
Oh, and lets not forget that we also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!! No other country has this distinction!
 
 
* Thanks to Geoff for enlightening us with an explaination of his Aussie identity.